remitting

MS: apprehensions and admissions on Ocrevus

I have had multiple sclerosis for 20 years this November. Honestly, I haven’t written that in a sentence. Ever!

Twenty-five years ago, if someone had told me this disease would occupy my body, I never would have believed them. Okay, maybe for a split nanosecond the thought would have petrified me, but not nearly as much as being told, “you have MS.” I was in denial in the beginning as I started to lose the feeling in my feet and legs. I stretched, flexed, rubbed, tried to exercise until clearly nothing I tried was going to help.

I am fortunate, I have to say, in that I could be much worse than I am. Still, it’s one of those chronic illnesses that is nearly invisible. I may “look” fine, but inside the pain is intense, and something I don’t disclose to just anyone. Anxiety, fatigue, confusion, forgetfulness, numbness and tingling are the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Still waters do run deep.

I’ve been on Copaxone (daily self injections) for roughly 20 years, on and off, and have tried several oral drugs for my relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis. One side effect of all those injections was a lot of lipoatrophy (loss of fat from injection areas) and I was simply exhausted from daily doses. You might think, “Yeah! I can target the fat in certain areas like my belly.” That’s a good thought, but its not a smooth transition, you end up with a lumpy tummy with hard, injection-site scar tissue along with fat loss.  Believe me when I tell you, it isn’t even parenthetically pretty.

With oral medications, I often forgot to take them, Tecfidera, Ampyra, and others. It was time to switch. I was panic-stricken to try a new drug, there are so many side effects to worry about, and which drug is always the big question. When my neurologist suggested Ocrevus, once-every-6-month infusions, I was afraid but willing to try.

In August 2017, I had my first 4-hour infusion of Ocrevus (ocrelizumab) which was uneventful, (other than the swollen throat and intense itching of the back of my throat, neck and head), and I say that as mirthfully as possible. It was actually a common response I found out later. I was given two Benadryl and a small dose of IV prednisone pre-infusion. At about 1 hour into the infusion, they stopped the Ocrevus because of the itching and swelling, and the symptoms immediately dissipated. The other option would have been IV Benadryl. There is no way I could have driven home after that. Luckily that didn’t happen. After 30 minutes, they restarted the Ocrevus infusion and I had no further adverse reactions or symptoms.

If you have ever had IV methylprednisolone, 1 gram infused over an hour for 3-5 consecutive days, you can relate when I tell you Ocrevus was not nearly as bad. I was a little bit afraid after the throat swelling and itching, but I was determined to make it through the infusion.

After the first infusion, which was a half dose, I had the second half-dose infusion two weeks later. The second infusion was completely straightforward. I did have the Benadryl and IV prednisone as premedication again, but no symptoms other than drowsiness from the Benadryl. I am sure that counteracted the prednisone a bit. De novo, post-prednisone symptoms are beastly!

It’s mid October, I am experiencing some leg pain and what seems to be joint tenderness. Now I concede, I may just be old and having the first signs of arthritis or osteoporosis BUT I hope not. I just tell myself, “….this too shall pass.”

I have to say I have had a number of prednisone infusions over the course of 20 years, and as much as I despise them, they do help. I am optimistic the Ocrevus will completely abolish any chance of relapse of my MS. That is the goal anyway. If you have not heard of Ocrevus, by all means, ask your neurologist, but you can read more about it here.

Genentech, who brought this drug to market, also offers patient assistance, coverage support and other information.

I’m very hopeful this will be the drug that works for me. The joint aches and leg pain may just be temporary but are a possible side effect of Ocrevus. I’m willing to overlook it right now. I want to be strong and exacerbation-free for once in 20 years. MS is one of those diseases you can’t see, but it is with me all the time. I may not tell you if I have pain, numbness, dizziness or fatigue, but it’s always there.

ripples and pebbles

People like me, those of us who tote around a diagnosis of MS, will at times appear like you. I’ve heard it said that we resilient souls who have MS are like snowflakes, no two are ever the same.

That may be true but we all understand similar symptoms can sometimes mean the same thing. Its very hard to put into words. Most of us can understand a smooth surface, like a body of water without even the slightest ripple. It’s the beautiful epitome of quiescence. There are moments in all our lives that are frozen in time, a moment where you feel…… well, you feel perfect. But even pebbles can cause ripples in our souls and our lives.

The smooth surface of water, seeing it or languishing in it, creates for me a feeling I’d like to wrap around me as a cloak when I have exacerbations. Sometimes I have to go into my mind to accomplish it. The Ocean, even with waves, is my happy place. I am a Salty Soul at heart. When someone throws a pebble into the water, it sends little waves out in all directions. You just never know how big the ripples will become. Could be nothing at all, a normal symptom such as increased pain and numbness OR it could be more significant. Sometimes I feel someone has tossed in a boulder.

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That’s how it feels to have an MS exacerbation. It’s a giant game of Clue trying to figure out what caused the symptoms to worsen, how to make them better, and if they will ever go away at least for awhile. I find that when I have no stress, my symptoms are miraculously wonderful. Even I sometimes forget I have MS when I’m in my happy spot.

Now some people progressively get worse, this we know is called Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. I fortunately don’t have this kind, mine is Relapsing/Remitting; meaning that I’m fine for awhile, but then it seems I have a worsening of symptoms. I sometimes wonder if I have progressed to Secondary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. It kind of sucks either way to be honest.

I was doing well for about a year. But within the last two weeks, I started developing weakness on the right side of my body and began falling to the right when I least expected it. I started falling into walls and tripping over things like my feet, chairs, floors, etc. Even my right heel on my tennis shoe showed more wear. This may be the worst exacerbation I’ve had in years. I try not to tell people what’s going on, because I don’t like to complain.

I have an invisible disease, and if you didn’t know me well, you would not even guess I have MS. That’s good I guess, but sometimes people just don’t understand. They forget you have a disease. You don’t want to talk about it. You work on the premise nothing has happened. Inside though, the idea of these worsening symptoms race around in your brain and you pray they don’t get worse. Your colleagues and friends have sustained expectations that you aren’t even sure you could accomplish if you didn’t have MS.

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So it is, I am having my second of 3 infusions today. One thousand mg of IV Prednisone (solumedrol). It takes an hour to infuse three days in a row. By tomorrow I’ll be crawling out of my skin. I’ll probably be early to work after I make a new dust ruffle for the bed, weave new area rugs for the kitchen, clean the bathrooms, give the dog a bath and maybe the cats, limb up some cedar trees in the yard, wash my car in the rain, and vacuum it out too! Yuck.

For those who don’t understand MS, I’m seriously happy for you. For those who have friends or loved ones with MS, don’t worry, we’ll be okay! It seems to help to write about it and vent, per se. You can’t understand how we feel and that’s okay. It is nice when someone asks how you’re doing, just occasionally. You can’t know what the symptom of fatigue really is with this disease unless you have it. Urinary symptoms, visual symptoms, muscle weakness, pain, numbness, tingling and I could go on and on. It’s different for everyone and therefore a generalization is not possible. Fatigue is my worst enemy. There are no words.

I do find it comforting to talk with other people who have MS, compare notes, see what helps them and what doesn’t, talk about new medications and ones we have failed. If you have MS and you are reading this, please feel free to email me, I love feedback!

We can’t always have what we want in our lives, but I am blessed with so much, and I’m not bitter about this ripple on the water. At least I’m alive. I know my kids love me and still need me. Hopefully I’ll be here on this planet for a long time, I have so many plans and dreams left to pursue. I’m trying to find a way to live on a sailboat in the Virgin Islands, my happy spot. Until then, it’s life as usual. This too shall pass.

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