overcoming gravity
Everyone knows what insomnia is, I don’t think I need to define it here. We’ve all had it. Restlessness, can’t turn your mind off, too much caffeine all day, a crazy busy day or you just woke up from a nap an hour before you go to bed (duh).
I can assure you it would be easier to levitate; simply overcoming gravity would be much simpler when insomnia hits. I have no idea why this happens to me. Is it related to stress? Work? Children? My dog, Beckham, barking like a maniac at the heat coming on in the night, 3 milliseconds after I’ve finally dozed off? No clue. I have no idea why I can’t seem to fall asleep like normal people do.
On the surface, I THINK I’m exhausted. I work hard during the day at my job, at least I feel like I do. I also spend a significant amount of time in my car commuting to and from my job, I get home and have no energy to cook (and if you know me, you know I despise this horrendous task), and honestly no desire to do much of anything. I can’t remember how I used to take care of my kids after 5 p.m. back in the day. I can’t be positive I even did.
My sleep doctor says I need to stay awake until at least 8 or 9 p.m. Seriously? All I can think about are pajamas and flannel sheets when I get home. I haven’t always been this way. I used to be able to sleep when my head hit the pillow. Now, sleeping like that is a fading memory. Of course, exercise is an important thing to consider to get a good nights rest. We all know that. I do walk at lunch during the work day but I could probably put forth more effort. In the last several months, I have lost a significant amount of weight, 60 pounds to be exact. This has helped with back pain and knee pain, but I still don’t find the deep sleep of hibernation. People who do not have multiple sclerosis most likely also experience insomnia, but I wonder if their cure could be an Occum’s Razor; (the theory that the most likely solution to a problem is the simplest one). When you have MS, it tends to throw a monkey wrench into any possible answer for any imaginable problem. I think a visit to the neurologist may be in order.
Lately it has been very wet outside. Living in the NW, you’re secure in the fact that winter days mean the sun sets early, (or the clouds fade to black sooner than normal). It’s dark when I leave for work AND when I get home. Seattle is a beautiful place to live when the sun is visible, when you can feel the warmth in your bones on summer days; and the sky really is “the bluest blue you’ve ever seen.” The surrounding evergreens are calming to be sure. We have the beautiful yellows, golds and oranges of fall, the deep greens of summer and of course the clouds of battleship grey serenading the flooding rains of winter. The view from my bedroom is actually beautiful and I do feel blessed. The rain on the roof, wind heaving through the trees and a stormy night can set us up for a cozy night indoors also. This could make one sleepy and relaxed watching a storm outside the window, right?
Most nights I can fall asleep, but at 1 a.m. I’m wide awake and can’t seem to drift off again. Maybe I should just get up, clean the toilets, fold laundry, vacuum and be done with it. I could leave for work at 4 a.m. and never be late because of traffic again. Sounds nice but when I get to work I either need an intrathecal grande quad latte drip throughout the day or a nice nap before I go to bed! I can’t win for losing.
I think I understand “Snowbirds.” This is the time of year they all leave for the sun. I crave the sun and the light. Warm blue water, white sand beaches and the warmth of the sun every day. It could be that I am 52. I don’t feel like I’m old, but I’m sure my kids think I am. Is it age that keeps me from sleeping? Hormones? Too much time on my hands? I’m of the opinion its all of the above. I sincerely thought it would take a lot longer to get old. Maybe I’m just dreaming all this too.
Eventually, I’m going Coastal.
