an old proverb: the highest happiness is peace
Peace is what many of us yearn for. It is also a struggle to achieve anything even close at times. For many, peace never comes.
One idea of peace is that feeling you get when you take a deep cleansing breath, the air fills your lungs slowly and it feels good, almost like you forgot to breathe for a moment, and then you slowly let it out. Ahhhhhh….. You’ve just completed some dreaded task like cleaning the toilet, right? Phew! Its over! Relief. I am sure you can insert an experience of your own and understand what I mean. Peace can come at the end of a workday, at the end of a workout, after a difficult life issue is resolved or just taking a deep breath.
Finding peace for me comes when I’m in my happy place in this world, the sunny Virgin Islands, when I am on a sailboat on the water or sitting beside it on a white-sand beach. This brings peace and happiness to my soul. Living with MS can be very difficult, its an invisible illness. For the most part, not many people remember I even have it. Hardly anyone asks, “how are you?” and means, ‘how are your symptoms, how are your hands, can you feel anything more so today?’ And why should they? Those who have an invisible illness don’t want pity, they just want someone to remember occasionally that we have other issues that we deal with. I NEED peace in my life.
Stress decreases the likelihood of peace and tranquility in ones life. For someone with MS, this can be synonymous with disaster. Sometimes I feel lost in my head, unworthy, not needed or burnt out. I have fatigue you couldn’t imagine even if I tried to explain, (but I will). People say to me in the morning, ‘why are you tired, you just woke up?’ I think to myself, are you kidding!? Fatigue is more than physical. It’s mental and emotional. It’s debilitating.
Fatigue in MS is not like you just ran a marathon and you’re exhausted and need to sit down and put your feet up for a few. No. Fatigue in MS is like you just walked across the United States in 1 month with a 50-pound backpack on, dragging bricks attached by ropes to your ankles, pain all over your body (in some cases), undergoing mental and sensory overload, enveloped by stress that you wear like an itchy wool cape in the blazing sun, numbness in your hands (in my case), and walking on legs that feel like Jello ~ all while you search for a 4-leaf clover, peace and tranquility that you can’t quite find. That feeling can be overwhelming and mind numbing, yet you’re still expected to be a good mom or dad, show up for work mentally and physically, and be the spouse or significant other you signed up to be.
So, mentally and physically I persevere. I tell myself I’m doing this, even though I’m sure no one close to me quite understands. I try to think positive thoughts, I tape pictures of sailboats to my refrigerator and nightstand, I visit the Virgin Islands whenever I can. I try to visualize and maximize my chances to be in my happy place. I try to overcome the feelings of being burned out and forgetfulness by thumbing through Island photos in my mind, reliving my memories of cruising and snorkeling, imagining the sound of those waves on those shores, the sunrises and sunsets, the starry night skies while bobbing in the Caribbean sea, and all the people I’ve met there ~ and lets not forget the Lobster! Retirement is a word I only dream about but work for every day. You bring about what you think about, right?
They say that each leaf a 4-leaf clover stands for faith, hope, love and luck. Well, I faithfully hope for love and luck to take me to my happy place very soon because I truly believe that the highest happiness IS peace.
For a peace-full journey, “Enjoy Four kinds of Peace“, by Rick Hanson, PhD, here.